A Week At The Gym

 

Dear Diary.

For my 75th birthday this year, my wife (bless her heart) set up a free trial week of personal training at the local health club for me.  Although I am still in great shape (more or less) since running on my high school track team 57 years ago, I decided it would be fun and looked forward to giving it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who described herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.  My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started, although I don't think she had any idea what Belinda looked like!  The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress

MONDAY
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. The sun wasn't up yet, and it was tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me.  She is something of a goddess - with long blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile.  Woo Hoo!!  Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines.  She took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill.  She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobic outfit.  I enjoyed watching the way her body moved and the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.  Very inspiring!

Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!

TUESDAY
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.  Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air - then she put weights on it!  My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile.  Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile.  I feel GREAT-!!  It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it.  I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop.  I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.  Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members.  Her voice seems a little too perky for this early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster.  Why would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by escalators and elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.

THURSDAY
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl.  I couldn't help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes.  Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells . When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room.  She sent Lars to find me.  Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.

FRIDAY
I hate Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world.  Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader.  If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.  Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!  And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.  The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

SATURDAY
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrill voice wondering why I did not show up today.  Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine.  However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up watching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over.  I will also pray that next year my dear wife will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal, colonoscopy, or vasectomy.